*Sigh…I spent the day today looking on the CF face book page today.  I don’t know why today should be different than any other day, except that May is Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month.  Reading the post on the CF face book page is like driving past a car crash on the 101.  You tell yourself to avert your eyes, you pray for the people involved and you wonder if that could be your family whose lives were just shattered on the asphalt.  As much as I tried to avert my eyes today, I felt myself drawn to their stories.  Small little babies.  Children in their teens.  Young adults.  I felt a mix of relief and guilt for not knowing until my daughter was 19 for not losing sleep all those years, for not graying prematurely, for thinking that I was somehow responsible when she didn’t gain weight, didn’t hit certain milestones on time, or didn’t get enough of the right “allergy” medication.  Better to think that I wasn’t producing enough milk, spending enough quality time, or feeling overwhelmed as a mother of five children.  Knowing that you’ve passed a disease on to your child is terrible.  Given the fact that I would throw my body in front of one of my children to protect them from harm doesn’t make it any easier.  This is something I don’t know how to fix, though I’m desperate to figure out a way to.  I guess that’s why I looked today and why I’ll look tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  It’s my job as a mother to protect my children.  They are a part of me. Flesh of my flesh.