My Journey to 50–Week 2:  The chronicle of one middle-aged woman’s pursuit of the impossible: 

A Bikini Fitness Competition!

Sigh*  I didn’t think starting my training would be this difficult.  This isn’t my first competition but it is going to be my last.  I just didn’t–no I couldn’t–anticipate how difficult getting started might be.

I don’t mean the physical aspect of competition prep, but the mental aspect. My Father-in-law passed away just eight short days ago, but on either side of that, my oldest daughter was hospitalized twice, for a total of 15 days.  So instead of powering through, I’ve detached from the unnecessary, the unneeded and the unimportant and allowed myself to just “BE” somewhere in between.

 Sometimes the answers to life’s biggest questions are found in the quiet “MOMents” not the “Fitness” ones.

We’re already seventeen (17) days into the New Year and my log in the gym has two days written in it.  TWO.

You might be thinking I should be freaking out that I haven’t “started” yet, but the truth is, I’ve never really stopped.  Once I started back in the gym in 2012 I made a silent oath to myself.  Not a promise.  Not an agreement.  Not a pledge.  AN OATH!  I know, I know.  An oath sounds like serious business and I have to tell you, it is.  But I know in my heart that we aren’t all graced with second chances.

Writing this makes me think of all the losses I’ve experienced in the past five months and the moments in my own past when I let my frustrations get the best of me.  It’s crazy to think that there was actually a time when they felt so completely overwhelming, that the pull of what’s here (in this world) didn’t seem like enough.  It’s embarrassing to admit sometimes, especially in light of other people’s struggles, but I’m human and sometimes I fall short.  As much as life can be a challenge at times, it’s also an amazingly beautiful gift…if you open your heart to receiving it. 

We can’t always know what life has in store for us or how our lives are supposed to touch others, but letting that process unfold can be a beautiful gift if we pay attention.

 So I’m doing today what I did yesterday and what I will do tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  I’m picking myself up, dusting myself off, and starting again.  This challenge, just like my oath, isn’t between me and anyone else, but me.  If I don’t reach my goal or if I fall short, the only person to hold me accountable is myself.